Monday, August 16, 2010
Searching For Sleep
It's typical for people with Fibromyalgia to suffer from Insomnia or lack of sleep. Many nights for me are spent tossing, turning and searching in the darkness for sleep. On average, I am only asleep about two to three hours at one time and then keep waking up. I wake up, roll over, squint at the clock and count to myself, "only two more hours of sleep," or I say "Damn, only ten more minutes of sleep," and then I do my best to go back to sleep.
I feel like a soldier trenched in the weight on my back, night vision goggles on, gun in hand, wading in mud for sleep. I know it's there, right around the corner, but I'm afraid if I sneak up on it too soon, it will run far away and I may not find it for days. So I crouch low down to the ground, silent in the night and there beyond the moon in the sky, I think I see it, but them again without my contacts in, it's a faint black blob, but I still know it's there.
I also search for sleep in my pillow hoping it knows the trick and can help or I change the small blanket over my comforter, because sometimes I need a certain comforter weight to sleep well. I also turn the temperature down close to 68 degrees so I can snuggle under the covers. Maybe sleep is under the covers? Who knows, but last night as I searched there, all I found was a penny and my boyfriend farted. But no sleep.
So I wait, sitting up in bed, staring into the nothingness, waiting for you to come to me, to dust my eyes with "sand man" dust and sometimes I find myself softly singing the tune to you lulling you to come to me,
"Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream, make him the cutest
that I've ever seen."
Then after that I find myself singing all the fifties songs I can think of and yesterday I watched the movie Mermaids, so I started singing,
"Does he love me? I wanna know, How can I tell if he loves me so? Is it in his kiss?"
This proved to be a hopeless endeavor, so I just gave-up and waited for morning to come singing tunes to myself. Tomorrow I'm going to download the whole Mermaids Soundtrack, because it rocks!
Sleep- I want you! I need you. I can't get enough of you. I deserve you, so why won't you let me in your splendor, like an infant just off the breast, full of warm milk, eyes slowly closing, heavy breaths entering sleepy land and hands limp with dream. I want that kind of sleep, warm, happy, a deep restful sleep, where you and the bed become one. I imagine it's like lying on a big, puffy cloud, cradling me for at least 8-10 hours in its blue, hypnotic haze.