Tuesday, July 13, 2010
The Worst Place To Be
Most Bulimics obsess about food, anorexics obsess about exercise and alcoholics obsess about the next drink. Imodium addicts obsess about shit, literally. I obsess about food and what it will do to me once I've eaten it and I obsess about whether or not too much exercise will cause stomach cramps and I obsess about what will happen if I decide to have wine with dinner. Then I obsess about how long it will be until my next shit and I pray that it will be a painless experience. This makes me think of all the places I hope I'm never at when those debilitating stomach cramps take over and my ass is screaming for a bathroom.
Here are my top twenty places I hope I am never at when shit comes knocking at my door:
1. Stuck in an elevator
2. On the Subway
3. On a roller coaster. I'm sorry for the people who may be under me if this were to ever happen.
4. In a Taxi just starting the drive over the Golden Gate Bridge
5. At school taking a timed test like the SAT or MAT
6. Making love
7. Half way to the top of a lighthouse
8. On a date
9. Meeting someone famous. I can see it now. Oh, hello Rob Pattison. I am so happy to finally meet you. I love you, wait, oh wait, I'll be right back. I think in this occasion I may just shit myself not from stomach cramps but from the thrill. So not sure if this one counts.
10. Hiking in the mountains
11. Dancing on stage- Oh wait a minute- already did that one when I was twelve. I think I'll forget this one all together.
12. On a Gondola
13. On a boat with no bathroom
14. Rock climbing
15. In the tanning bed right after the start button turns on
16. Getting a massage or a seaweed body wrap
17. At the top of a snow covered mountain about to ski down.
18. Stuck at a train crossing, twenty cars back.
19. In the middle of an interview
20 And lastly the worst of all on your wedding day minutes before you are to walk down the isle.
Can you name some places that you think would be the worst place to be when stomach cramps happen to you?