Christina Ruotolo

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Fibromyalgia- Living in Hell with a Bay Window to Heaven

I am in love with the most vivacious and alive person that you have ever met. He has not one aching, dull bone in his body. He can jump out of bed after a mere four hours sleep and sing in the shower. He can work an exhausting 12 hour work day in 100 degree heat lifting, stretching, truly working “hard” and he can come home and still want to go on the town with the energy of a twenty year old.

I am jealous but more than that I am afraid! I am afraid that one day he will walk away and leave me. Not because he does not love and adore me, but that he will leave me because I am no longer vivacious and fun. I am a 32 year-old with the body of a 75 year-old. This scares the hell out of me!

I want his energy. I want to make love to him all night long and wake naked in his arms, and after no sleep feel alive again.

I want to feel what he feels, but I cannot. I only feel pain, and more pain. I work at a job where I am surrounded by air conditioning and chair rests and after working a eight hour day, doing nothing but sitting in a chair with a computer in my face, I am so exhausted that I can barely move and I wonder how this is possible and then I see my sweet boyfriend and I find myself always complaining about the aching, pain and sleepiness and after what, eight hours of air conditioning after he has endured a day with none.
I feel ashamed that I feel this way and wonder if the future will be different and better. Living with Fibromyalgia is like living in hell with a bay window to heaven.


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