It's Not All In My Head- It's In My Ass!

You know what I hate more than anything? I hate when doctors, friends, co-workers and family think that the painful stomach cramps and debilitating bouts of toilet hell I suffer from, is all in my head. Seriously, do you think I want cramps so bad, I feel like I could puke? Do you think I like having to cancel dinner plans or tickets to a concert in the park because I want to sit on my couch in my pajamas playing the harmonica? Wake the fuck up people! This is not a joke, this is not make believe, this is my shitty life. It's real and raw and it's not in my head, it's in my ass, and so much of it is in my ass and then out my ass that I sometimes wonder how that much stuff can come out of it. And then I wonder how it that is possible when all I had to eat the entire day was a banana and some toast.

I'm not lying when I say I can't come to your house today because I know sixty people are coming to your party and you only have one bathroom, or that I can't go to the secluded beach with you for six hours, because six hours with no bathroom for me is torture in itself. This problem was not created by aliens, however I would gladly go to their planet if they could cure me of this ailment. I would gladly give them anything they wanted. I might even consider being their test monkey if they could be the ones shitting and not me. I have a mad stomach, that is all.

The best way I can describe my IBS is to tell you it's like the Ocean. A person who has a sluggish digestive system would have an Ocean with very few waves. They would actually be considered as having lake current, not ocean current and people like me have ocean currents equivalent to Hawaii- freaking huge waves that have no mercy. They take you in a vortex of hell, roll you around until you're choking from the pain and right before the wave is over, it sucks you down one last time for a final fuck you. So the next person that wants to tell me that this "little problem" is all in my head, can come to my house because I may just sneak you some Ex-lax in your brownie and let you see that the shit ain't so pretty when it's coming out of you. Not that I think about it, I should be dating a surfer!

CoCo Scum

As a child, mom and I used to have this fun thing she would say to me every time I asked "What's up mom?" She would always smile and say CoCo scum, which is saying that life is like the scum at the bottom of the Hot chocolate cup. Not great, but livable. I always loved when she said that. Mom is always the realist in the family; I mean someone has to be the responsible one! Well living life as a 32 year-old with both IBS and Fibromyalgia, pretty much most days I would call CoCo scum days. Lined with shit, literally. So today I am home sick, with a cold, sniffles, sitting on my brown couch (which looks kinda like the color of CoCo scum) still in my blue pajamas, remote in one hand, tissue in the other. See, when a normally healthy person gets a cold, it's just that, a cold. It only lasts a few days and you get your energy back and things go back to normal. Well not for people with Fibromyalgia. It's like we have all these catalysts that live in us and when we get sick, one thing causes another thing, like dominos falling down. A cold for us can easily last seven days and your limited energy level has turned into a snail's pace crawl. It's pathetic and depressing. I find myself looking out the window, watching people run with their I-Pod's sweating, and I remember the time I was an Aerobics instructor at the YMCA with tight abs, and energy for days. I danced in school and after school and taught gymnastics and Aerobics when I was young and now I stand at the bottom of the stairs and dread having to walk up them because I know when I get to the top, I'll be tired. And then I think, that is so not fair. I want my life back. I want to feel that energy rush that you get after a great workout and the way I felt after dancing a five minute non-stop ballet, I felt alive and now I feel dead! I want to be that energizer bunny! I wonder when CoCo scum will turn into a silver lining. Didn't mean to drag you down, but we Fibro-women are not alone and we can ban together. We can take the low rode- the quiet walk around the lake, take things slow and steady. Smell the flowers, not run past them. So I am putting the CoCo-rimmed cup in the dishwasher and doing my best to enjoy life as the turtle, and accepting that I am no longer the bunny, because we all remember the saying that slow and steady always wins the race, sniffles and all.

The Poo Poo Chart (Yes- It's real)

A few years ago, while I was at my first gastroenterology appointment, I was introduced to the Bristol Stool Chart, or what others would call the shit chart. The large colorful poster was displayed on the exam room wall and I was asked to rate my poo, yes that is what I said, rate my poo. The Bristol Stool chart consists of seven different types of shit:
1. Hard, lumpy nuts (hard to pass)
2. Sausage shaped,with lumps
3. Like a Sausage but with cracks on the surface
4. Like a Sausage or snake, smooth and soft
5. Soft blobs with clear-cut edges
6. Fluffy pieces, or mushy shit
7. Watery with no solid pieces
So once I told the doctor that my shit was a cross between a 6 and 7, I was at a loss for words, which almost never happens to me. I had just paid a $60.00 co-pay to share my shit shape with a person. This has never been, until now a topic of conversation. But after careful observation of Bristol Stool chart graphs, I can no longer eat Sausage, nuts or cotton candy without thinking of the shit chart and I always think of shit when I see a snake or a big fluffy cloud. "Hey see that fluffy cloud up there, it's not a cirrus cloud, it's a Bristol shit #6." So now go home tonight and see what yours looks like. This is the stuff they don't teach you in school, and I'm sure you're glad you now know.

Bathroom Stalls

As an avid shitter, I have seen my fair share of restrooms and bathroom stalls and over time, I have developed a system of things you can do why incapacitated on public potty.
1.) Count tile squares in ceiling. Much like counting sheep.
2.) Count floor tiles. Try to figure out the patterns, different textures and color schemes. Note to self- liked the small blue tiles that I saw once in beach hotel. Pretty! I think they were glass.
3.) Create new song lyrics. Repeat so that you don't forget. Singing out loud is optional.
4.) Create grocery list, dinner menu, daily to-do list, poems, stories, etc.
5.) Daydream- My favorite
6.) Courtesy flush at least once, or twice if stinky. Be kind to bathroom neighbors.
7.) And lastly ten minute power nap. No snoring please.

Now if you are in a friend's bathroom or incapacitated in a bathroom in someone's home, there are many other enjoyable things to do while on potty.
1.) Always wipe seat off. Just because it's a house doesn't mean that the potty is clean. In some instances lining seat is necessary.
2.) Read magazines. Almost all people have magazines in the bathrooms. I have also been known to put all magazines in alphabetical and/or date order depending on the amount of time I am on potty.
3.) Change roll so that the paper comes from over, not under. It's the right thing to do.
4.) Read contents of any item that is close by. Bathroom spray, shampoo, soap dispenser, make-up, contact solution, etc. I have learned that Sodium Laurel Sulfate is only added to shampoos and soaps to create lather and that is it. I have also learned French and Spanish. Lavarse los manos means wash your hands and espuma y repita means lather and repeat. Of course, not sure when I will ever need to say that when speaking to Spanish people.
5.) Continue to count floor and ceiling tiles. I once tried to count popcorn on ceiling. This can be tedious, so I do not recommend.
6.) Lastly lavarse los manos y repita, then re-fold hand towel. I can't stand when the towel is not straight.

First let me tell you what Fibromyalgia and IBS are so that you will understand how it affects a person mentally, physically and emotionally. Fibromyalgia is characterized by chronic, wide-spread pain in the muscles, ligaments and tendons. Everything hurts. It feels like you have the flu all the time. Your back hurts, muscles tender to the touch and you have trouble doing many tasks that healthy people can do with no problems. This consists of running, exercising, opening jars, sitting for long periods of time and even sleeping. You feel tired all the time. It feels as if I have always just finished running a marathon. I feel exhausted all the time. A lot of women go years living with this pain before they get diagnosed with the condition because Fibromyalgia can mimic many other conditions like insomnia, the flu, stress, etc, so many women just dealt with the pain for years just thinking it was all in their head. I was 32 when I was first diagnosed with the condition. I had spent 1/3 of my life with issues that many doctors just called stress. I knew deep down it was more that that and I was determined to get answers.

Next I'll tell you about IBS, otherwise called Irritable Bowel Syndrome. It's described as a chronic gastrointestinal disorder of unknown cause. It causes gas, bloating, cramps and diarrhea.
My mom used to call it a nervous stomach. It always happened when you didn't want it to. I would get those jarring stomach cramps minutes before I was to take a math test or was getting ready to go on a date or after I ate a large meal. My stomach started to hurt all the time. It was embarrassing and uncontrollable at times. It got so bad that I only drove certain routes home so that I would pass the most amount of bathrooms before I got home. I would even post-pone trips because of my stomach and there was no way I would ever car-pool, that was out of the question. I learned over time what things I could eat and found out at 16 that I was also lactose intolerant, meaning that I could not digest milk and other dairy products. This began my addiction to Imodium, a tiny, pale, green pill. It became my best friend and without it, I was chained to my toilet. In a way, Imodium help set me free to live life.

Confessions of an Imodium Addict

Welcome to my new blog-Confessions of An Imodium Addict. This is my journey through Fibromyalgia and IBS. If you are one of the millions of people who suffer from either IBS or Fibromyalgia, then you know the day-to-day struggles that we go through. Sometimes it's hard to even get out of bed in the morning or when you're having an IBS flare-up you are stuck in the house watching as the world passes you by. You are no longer the adventurer, climbing mountains, exploring the world and living life. Your world consists of pills, doctor's appointments and pain. It doesn't have to be this way. You can have health problems and still live a rewarding and full life. Hopefully you will come along this journey with me as we explore the world and learn that no matter what life throws at us, we can do anything and not let IBS or Fibromyalgia define who we are. I am a person with a full agenda and I can't let my pain get in the way.